I've already told the story a hundred times

I'll start slow

Because starting with the really new me just might scary you off

So let’s to rip of the band aid

Let’s pull of the huddie you wear every day because you didn't have time to pick out something else

But am I aloud to talk about myself 

REAL TALK
I feel like I’ve told the story

Real talk, I know just how to tell people what they want to hear

But right now, I’m going to tell you the truth and maybe the same story over and over

Of the, I don't want to hear it

Sophomore year I was drowning and my parents didn't even know it, because they're busy

Having a stay at home mom that work at home all the time, is probably the biggest piece of BULL

REAL TALK I wish I had the courage to say NO, and for the love SHUT UP 

But I just write it instead

REAL TALK love scares the living shit out of me and I pull away from time to time because one day I will be left with nothing but ripped opened letters and a messy room.

REAL TALK I hate your mom

REAL TALK I've been going to therapy sense the sixth grade 

I hate being seen as the goodie two shoes, because I’m not,

I'm just better at hiding it

I leave mutual early to I can go and cry in my car instead

Because having a bigger house isn't worth leaving the old ward

I miss Jr, year, because I only first met you, and I didn't love you yet

I've never had a really good girlfriend, but I balm it on myself

I regret a lot senior year, wished I wasn’t addicted to checking off the to do list

I wished I was more like my Dad because he's happier with his life

REAL TALK I forget, like a lot and I don’t know why

REAL TALK having a Grandma this Bi-polar scares the shit out of me too

Because that crap is in the gene pool

And I'm already half way there with seasonal depression

But at least I get better in the summer right 

I feel alone in a room filled with people because I don’t have a click to go to

But I’m going to better in college and hold on to friendships with both hands not just one

Because we have to hold on to life with both hands because you don’t know when it will turn into sand 

if only

if only 

my eyes 

could speak 

poetry 

to you my dear 

i remember

i remember the pig tail days and when my mom washed my cloths

i remember the first day of preschool and i didn't want my mom to leave

now i'm the one leaving

i remember when kissing tag was how you made friends

i remember T ball and my baseball caps

i remember butterfly clips in my hair 

and ribbons on my dresses

i remember first kisses and how bad it was

i remember heart break 

i remember when innocent was in my description

i remember green basketball shorts 

and smelly preteens

i remember when my mom left for three days and how much my dad cried

i remember doctor appointments and what I drew on that paper

i remember when i would wake up on time

and how i always did my homework

i remember when high school mattered and who i sat next to

i remember when i had time 

I remember when my little brother had a smaller vocabulary than me 

I remember when i bought a pop tart for the first time and never ate it 

in my heart then out my lips

Maybe it's that my heart beat was never regular to begin with

it started with the screams to my mother at birth 

and now all i seem to do it is cry out to world

saying, "is that all you got?"

she would hold me so gently 

and now all i feel is wind on the mountain tops

but the world is quiet up there 

and i can here him answer back to me

you came through the artery just like the wind

and through to my blood 

then my lungs 

then out my lips

then back through again 

like oxygen

maybe my heart beat was never regular to begin with

now all i know is that only people can make your heart beat regular 

but my darling consistency that's what my heart needs 

sticks and stone may break my bones

sticks and stones may break my bones but words do not hurt mebut her words hurt and his silences just made me angryshe didn't even waist time and just went straight to my heart i was at my lowest point and the grass below me soaked up my cries for helpat the moment i knew fear and love are in the sameand that loss is more than a feelingyou were so close to me but so far awayand my mom was at the grocery storeso i listened to every word of my wrong doing i thought forgiveness is in your heart but it's only on the bruised knees and talks to godher words hurt mei never knew that someone can welcome you in then have your arms cut at elbows so that you can never hug anyone the same againyour kisses come with conditions and complicationsi asked him if i could learn how to forgive more quickly so i guess i can give you thatmaybe you are my lessoni love what is rightfully yoursbut i thought you could sharei followed every rule that i knewbut his kisses come with complications that i  thought never knew possible i have bit marks on my tough from the words i never saidi will respect you but never in the same mother tells me to stay awaybut i how can i love what is rightfully yours and stay away from you  i will learn to build up walls and tare them down again sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me 
 

words of courage

i have been going to every blog and going straight down to the bottom to find your name

i'm sure your words are beautiful

but i just want to connect your words to the meaning of which you tell them

i want to know your heart breaks then your words of courage

so here is my back story 

i like to run then walk the same trail because i don't want to miss anything 

eating is a passion 

i have watched every episode of I love Lucy twice 

I like my Friday naps

and my family is the loudest of them all

Alta June can make me cry 

i was the shy girl with pig tails

i am in love with Sherlock 

i rather sleep in the morning than at night

my hair is curly and i love it

my face can tell you all my darkest secrets

i laugh too loudly but i believe everyone deserves to feel funny 

football games and fries will always be a good combo

i like easily and love slowly

i read one of my blog posts in class and no one noticed

i believe that everyone should drive up the canyon by themselves at least once

i will share my opinion only if i feel it's logical 

i tried to be hipster for one year and it's too hard

long showers are why i'm always late

movie nights on the coach is what i learned from my dad

how to say i'm sorry is what i learned from my mother

i believe every man should own a black tie 

and every women should own a pair of nude heels 

Nelson has taught me to be honest with myself 

I am Heather Peterson 

love will....

love will own a pair of oxfords 

love will talk to people with a grace that has never be seen before

love will give his mother a kiss on the cheek before he leaves

love will always love god

love will hold me for a little longer just because he wants to

love will give me a reason to talk a little faster

love will spin me around the dance floor

love will give me a reason to change 

love will give kisses on the forehead

love will laugh harder than is needed

love will speak kindness

love will talk to my Dad about politics

love will eat as much as i do

love will hold my hand in public

love will tell the world that he loves me

love will own a skinny tie

love will now how to wear a suit 

love will be good

love will let me be right 

love will let me be wrong

love will never yell at children 

love will dress to the nines

love will remind me of my brother 

love will give me a chance to be better than what i see 

not silence

i hear noise 

often i might hear words come for your mouth 

but only the feeling that you feel, is the feeling that will stay with me

why must you talk so loudly

why must you talk so loudly 

why must you talk so loudly

I must write because you will never listen 

talking is your strength i know

i know

i know 

i know 

i already know the words you will speak from your mouth

sweetheart i can finish your sentences because i have already heard them before

why must you repeat yourself

why must you repeat yourself 

why must you repeat yourself

the world will tell you the views of millions but never truth

what is truth 

dang it, i want the truth 

not your advise 

not your opinion

not how you did it

but i guess i don't want that either

just shut up and listen to me

i have listened to you for 18 years

so SHUT UP and LISTEN TO ME
you are horrible at listening

listen to me 

listen to me

listen to me

do not sit and node like a plastic doll

look at me in the eyes 

why must i ask you to look at me in the eyes

"don't you worry, i'm listening"

LIES
listen to my heart

listen to my blood that is rushing through my veins

listen to my cries to god that you will never hear

he listens to me, why can't you listen to me for second

listen 

listen 

listen

listen to my breath as i am running through the trees

listen to my heart as it pounds on the keys 

listen to the laughter that you have grown silent to

silent

i don't want silences

i want listening hears 

i want listening heart

i want a understanding of my words  

time

this isn't me missing you
this is me missing the me i used to be
you taught me how to be alone
and i learned my lesson in your absences
i read what you leave in public spaces
the songs you reference
the quotes you quote
i can feel you thinking about me

give me sun

i fear you the most

i fear you the most because it has already been done before

i never thought you could hold a whole soul in your hands, but you can

in the veins are the secrets that will run through, but will never leave

the brachial artery screaming please don't hurt me

or maybe it’s the fact that I was too shy to think I could have more

or maybe I was too innocent to think that people could have bad intentions

or maybe it’s the fact that I’m to scared to think that maybe one day you will see me the way I see myself 

or maybe I'm being too irrational 

to think that someone could hold your soul in there hand

maybe it's just your heart but at times it feels that there is more to it

so my dearest darling let me just say I love you first, just this once

and maybe, just maybe you can hold my soul in your hands for a little while 

with a smile

you are the sleepless night

the drip of the sink

silent as the minutes under water

the flashing lights at disco night

the second looks, of what are you thinking

is it me?

no

probably the game you had last week

it's always that 

you are the walks to door

the reason for talking to myself 

the extra shade of lip gloss

the pounding of the heart

what are you thinking?

i know i talk too much

too much of silence gets uncomfortable 

you are the reason to over think

never bad or good

the i hate you, with a smile 

the never final agreement

you are every color in-between

but never the color itself

you are normal with the abnormal

you are the reason for lost words

but i've always been good with words

just not with you

so dang it, i can't say it without crying

so i will say i hate you, with a smile instead 

a letter to you daddy

I don't know how to say it
I'm not your little girl anymore
So pretty please with a cherry on top
Let me grow up
Let me lose my way
I always come back
I know you trust me, but I need you to trust me a little more
Please listen to me, oh pretty please
You have raised me so well Daddy
You raised me to be independent
So pretty please let me try it out

I look up to you so much
Oh how I just want you to be proud of me
Not because Mom told you so, but because you really are
We can still go to football games and talk about politics
I like that
I love that
But can you listen to me, oh please listen to me

Daddy the world is a scarier place than I thought it would be
Why didn't you tell me
I trust you I know
But Daddy I'm scared the world is scarier than I thought

Daddy you didn't tell me love hurts so bad
Why didn't you tell me

Daddy I leave soon
So please listen to me
I know you have a lot to say
But now I do too
Daddy, oh please listen to me

i can only show you how i feel

Can you hear the prayer of the children? 
On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room 
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry 
Turning heavenward toward the light 

Crying Jesus, help me 
To see the morning light-of one more day 
But if I should die before I wake, 
I pray my soul to take 

Can you feel the hearts of the children? 
Aching for home, for something of their very own 
Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to, 
But hope for a better day a better day 

Crying Jesus, help me 
To feel the love again in my own land 
But if unknown roads lead away from home, 
Give me loving arms, away from harm 

Can you hear the voice of the children? 
Softly pleading for silence in a shattered world? 
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate, 
Blood of the innocent on their hands 

Crying Jesus, help me 
To feel the sun again upon my face, 
For when darkness clears I know you're near, 
Bringing peace again 

the right brain me

I want to travel

I want to learn people

I want to learn humans

I want to have experiences that no one else has had

I want to find that perfect stranger to have that perfect conversation with

I want to eat good food, so much I have to go up a size

I want to have that "Eat, Pray, Love" experience

I want to have that light turn on of "oh my gosh the world is beautiful"

I want to see the lights twinkling walking with no place to go

I want to build mine, my own, and myself

I want to experience, never read or hear about

I want to say I've been there

Because I have and I will

the brick i should have thrown at your window

How could I have been so naive and clueless to think

That you had a heart of warmth

But no sir your heart is a brick from that Mexican Bridge

You could have built a home with my tears

But you were only a stone cold brick

Tell me, give me a clue, what has made you this brick

But all you give is letters and words that I do not understand

It mustn't matter no more because my darling I found a real heart that is no brick

So please sir you have may have your brick of heart back

 

Bruises on my heart

• Halloween and mommy dressed up like a witch
• Sixth grade bullies
• Being too nice to people
• Hitting puberty way too early
• Getting a 15 on the ACT
• boys
• broken promises
• Mom forgetting me at Disneyland
• Dad yelling
• Doctor offices
• Being told I was too fat for the part
• not smart enough
• can't reach perfection
• too shy for my own good
• the average of the bunch

the half of a second

It's the way you look at me now that scares me the most

Because maybe for the half of second you know that maybe

A glimmer of a chance that it's for real

That it isn't some high school sweet heart

But the real kind of love

The painful kind

The kind you don't dare imagine living without

The mind reading kind

The play basketball until we can't breath

The raw kind

Because you know every inch of every thought

The hugs that feel like home

The dates that feel effortless

Because you are home

 

i just might be human

In the smallest of touch

In the Memories of homemade Bread


























To the wonders I see

In these moments I just might feel a little more human

 

I love you nana

People talk about their grandmothers like they’re saints

I’ve thought about standing up and screaming bull crap

My Nana is no saint, no, not one at all

I might dare say she is the opposite

They are no happy holidays with the women of the pills

There is no happy memory in finding your Grandmother higher than a kit

 They say insanity is contagious and Oh Boy is that true

How can I love a women that has brought upon much of mother’s heartache

So tell me one more time I should let this women into my heart

No Mam, she is no saint       

Insanity is contagious and I will not be the product of these choices of that women

I am not a product of my family’s wrong doings

No sir, I am not

I will stand strong in the face of that women

Because she the product of her families wrong doing

But I will sit quietly and say yes mam, I love my grandmother but only in the memories of the past